Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I am an official stripper. Meaning, I’ve now stripped the stain and varnish off of half of my bed. It was wrist-killing work, until I ran out of stripper, but the wood that has immerged, pure, stainless and ready to be remade into something beautiful, makes it worth all the pain.

Somehow today feels as if it will burn up in the eternal fire more quickly than straw: completely useless. Nothing to show for it. Empty. Gone.

Why? I’ve felt slightly nauseous all day—anxious maybe? Perhaps I am attempting to ward off the attack of some nasty bug. It’s the same gut feeling I have when I’m worried about something, or being eaten up by guilt, but I can’t for sake of sanity and peace of mind figure out what could be eating me. Perhaps I am angry or resentful about this bumper?

Five o’clock came much too early this morning, and I didn’t get up to read my Bible. Instead I rolled over and dozed for another hour, until I had to drag myself out of bed to fix breakfast. I didn’t get very far in my reading later, either. All day I’ve seemed distracted and out of touch with the Lord. How can I go from hot to cold to hot so frequently and with such headlong impetuousness? It’s no wonder I feel sick.

Mulling over the discussion on spiritual gifts has also done another work in my heart and mind. Each new day I see new evidences of a strong tendency toward prophecy in myself—I’m so emotional, up and down, hot and cold, fiery and timid, and always harsh. No steadiness. No dependability. No predictability.

I need…

I don’t know what I need.

Yes, I do. I need Jesus. And a good, hard spanking for allowing myself to become distracted. And a period to put at the end of that round of foolishness.

Lord, I’ve reached a level place

Where I can gaze upon Thy face

And know without the smallest doubt

‘Tis Thou I cannot live without.

So with this truth before my eyes

Be Thou my only true supply

And fill me with Thy living water.

I am complete: Thy virgin daughter.

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