Sunday, November 25, 2007

Rain poured down all night, and continued in a miserable drizzle all day. I could barely keep my eyelids up during church at the S Family's home, and cold is pretty much becoming a normal part of my anatomy. I forget from year to year how cold winter can be. Amazingly, though, a little bit of exercise can succeed where no multiple of layers can, and a brisk walk this afternoon sent the blood pounding through my body with life-giving velocity. While walking, I enjoyed a catch-up phone call with Susanny Danny.

This morning I awoke to find myself in the arms of a strange lover. Perhaps I’ve let my love for my Savior grow cold. He was not my first thought this morning. I can’t remember if He was my last thought last night. Instead, my thoughts lingered on worthless dreams, goals and suppositions.

I wish I could define how I feel tonight. Perhaps empty would be the best word, but I’m not sure why I feel empty. Just devoid of any particular emotion. As if everything is cruising along at a comfortable constant. I hate this complacent feeling. It’s deadly. It’s the charmer that lures my passions to sleep and cools my fire to smoldering embers, incapable of spreading. I’ve not been studying my Bible like I should be or seeking the Lord in prayer, waiting, listening, wrestling. I’ve grown fat and lazy in spirit, calmed to stupidity, floating through my days on clouds of airy pointlessness. I despise my adultery. Why would I disregard my Betrothed to chase elusive moonbeams?

Truly, the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked above all things. Who can know it?

Lord, I bow my head in shame

Embarrassed e’en to say Thy name

For such a pure and holy thing

Can’t come from lips, like mine, unclean.

Woe is me, if Thou stand judge,

And righteously should bear a grudge.

Where Thou could cast my first earned stone

Thou stoops and writes my name Thy own.