Tuesday, February 12, 2008

My Lord is merciful indeed. At this moment I feel calm, at peace and rested, like a weaned child leaning against her mother. Torrents of tears subsided, confusion wiped away, struggles laid down at the feet of the all-powerful, all-knowing God. He hands me my broken heart, now mended with His mercy, and I place it back in His hands for safe-keeping, praying only that there it will remain until eternity.

I buckled on my armor this morning, determined to fight my way through the throngs of enemy to the sanctuary of praise and the mercy seat of Almighty God. A heroic attempt, perhaps, though rather misguided. I flung out, swinging wildly, madly and without much direction, stumbling, blinded by tears and constantly beaten down. Each step of the way the enemy pounded me with accusations, distractions, discouragements and lies, and under every blow I crumbled and wept. Every tear was captured in God’s bottle, to be wiped from my heart some day when I stand before Him.

My heart sank to the floor when Papa called me to say that Taylor was coming over for supper and to get some Bible questions answered. I could hear the enthusiasm in his voice. I tried to echo it. Inside I wanted to curl up and cover my head and give up without reaching God’s temple. The last thing I wanted tonight was company—especially not a guy—especially not Taylor, steady Taylor, one of the few guys I actually admire, one of the only guys I’m honestly half scared of.

Papa invited any of us to join their discussion, but I sought refuge in Josiah’s room, playing his drums. I felt weaker than stone soup, used up emotionally, and it wasn’t long before I quit, bravely trekked through the dining room where they still discoursed and made it safely to my own haven, where I knelt under the merciless attack of the enemy. How long I cowered, arms protecting my head, tears cutting canyons down my face, I don’t know. As I cried out to my Savior He came, cutting assailants left and right with the Word of His mouth, shattering fears, doubts and worries, sending light and warmth into the darkness of my heart. As He gathered me in His arms and carried me back toward His sanctuary of praise, He hushed me, and I leaned my head against Him. “I’ve got you,” He whispered, and the truth dawned on me, bright and pure. He’s got me. I’m His. I’m safe. The enemy can’t touch me. How could the enemy bring an accusation? My judge is my justifier. How could the enemy distract me? He is in all things and in Him all things hold together. How could the enemy discourage me? I don’t hope in myself—I hope in the Lord, who is the lifter up of my countenance. How could the enemy convince me of lies? I know the Truth.

Why did I embark on my battle alone? Determined to make my way to God. My Savior is the way. When I cry to Him, He is there. I am His temple. Wherever I am, I can seek Him and find that He is always on His mercy seat, extending to me the golden scepter of life.

Lord, I sought Thee and I found
That accusations can’t confound
When I am safe within Thy arms.
Free from doubt and sin’s alarms

I stand before Thee and I know
My enemy Thou overthrows
Today, just as Thou triumphed when
Thou rose and conquered death and sin.