I’ve been wandering in a spiritual desert for days now, lost in Leviticus and floundering through my emotions. My emotions have been teetering on the edge of utter destruction since Thursday, assaulted by every possible discouragement. I feel stuck in a rut, lost here, not sure what I’m supposed to be doing while “at home”, wondering if anything I’m doing is more than wood, hay or stubble and will survive the fire of time. Wondering what the Lord has for me next and why He hasn’t brought it yet. Is it because I’ve not finished something or learned something or I’m not ready yet? If so, how do I prepare? What in the world am I supposed to be doing? Also looking around at everything I own, detesting my possessions, beginning to think that I should again empty my savings on the altar at the Lord’s feet. Didn’t He provide so that both my cameras now work splendidly? Aren’t those the cameras He generously provided? Why do I think I need a “better” one? Especially when a missionary could live for two years on the amount I’m hoping to spend on a camera.
I also found out yesterday that a good friend had made a foolish, God-dishonoring decision. Surprise could not be tagged onto my list of emotions, but I’d clung tenaciously to the hope that she would choose better than that. She stole a car and ran away in the middle of the night to stay who-knows-where in town before finally flying out today. Now I think of all the times the Spirit pricked me to challenge her salvation even, as well as her behavior and attitudes: the past year or two clearly demonstrates an attitude of selfishness. I can think of many times my mind and heart rebelled and I thought of ways I could throw off the chains that bind me to this household (so the Deceiver tells me). Ultimately my heart is softened and I am brought to repentance because I can’t bear to drag my Savior’s name through the dirt. By His mercy I pray I never give the enemy cause to blaspheme—by speedy repentance when I sin, even in thoughts. Watching her actions I whisper to myself, “But for the grace of God, there go I.” But still, deep inside bubbles a well of anger. How am I to sort out if it is righteous indignation or fleshly wrath? One is pure, the other sin.
This is not the way I want to live my life, defeated, discouraged, confused by other's actions and circumstances I can't control.
Discontentment. Restlessness. Discouragement. Unhappiness.
Boil it down into one word: selfishness.
I must cling to Jesus. Worship Jesus. Adore Jesus. Serve Jesus. Praise Jesus. Love Jesus. Speak of Jesus. Sing of Jesus. Think of Jesus. Dream of Jesus. Be consumed by Jesus so that there is no room for anything else.
Lord, Thou art the breath that fills me
Would that Thou in mercy kills me
E’er I might in folly wander
From the presence of Thy splendor.
Why does simply living tempt me
From the paths in which Thou leads me?
I beg the comfort of Thy rod—
Discipline Thy child, O God.