Friday, October 19, 2007

Not a single day has passed without us either going somewhere or someone coming here. After a long day of raking and cleaning and fine-tuning the house, we settled down for supper and a movie about George Washington Carver. The movie was a disappointment, since they conveniently forgot that GW’s driving force was the love of Jesus and a desire to serve Him by serving the black people.

Meagan showed up. She’d been trying to call us and getting a busy signal, since Papa was downloading something from the internet, but she assumed (correctly) that meant we were there.

As we were watching the movie, her cell phone alarm went off, reminding her to pray at 8:02. I love that. The girls from Grace started praying, wherever they were, all together at 8:02 every night and it’s grown. I need to figure out a good way to set myself an alarm, so that I can join them. That’s something I think we missed a lot back home—the importance of prayer. I honestly believe that’s why the Lord is working so mightily here—because the folks pray all the time, about everything. Are we talking about someone who annoys us? We stop and pray for them. Someone shares a prayer request? We stop and pray for them. We schedule times to stop and pray. It’s beautiful, this constant communion with the Lord. “Pray at all times. In everything give thanks. This is God’s will.” I love it! A simple step with the huge knowledge that I’m in God’s will.

Lord, Thy will’s not hard to find

When Thou hast opened eyes once blind

I see that Thou desirest only

To receive my praise and glory.

So I bring my cares to Thee

And thank Thee for Thy work in me

Remembering what comes from above

Are precious tokens of Thy love.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Some days are truly longer than others. Today was one of those days.

After cleaning out the hot tub, adding the cleansers and bleaching the filters, I headed over to Dr D and Miss J’s to babysit the three little ones while they took E for a tonsultation (contraction of tonsil consultation). Miss J said she’s never left the three little ones without E before, and she was just a hair anxious. We all did beautifully. I even managed to convince H to eat several things she normally won’t touch.

JP cracks me up. He’s super smart and funny and a good kid, most of the time. He loves clothes, but since he’s potty training, Miss J likes to keep him in a shirt and underwear inside. He asked multiple times to put on his clothes. When I put him down for a nap, I told him in no uncertain terms not to get out of the bed. When I checked on him the first time, he was still “in bed” but jumping vigorously. The second time I heard drawers opening and closing and hurried up for a peek. When I opened the door, there he stood, completely dressed right down to socks and shoes on the wrong feet and his bright green baseball cap. He was pushing in the drawer right next to the bed and simply froze with an “uh-oh”. I wanted to sit down and laugh, but I kept my stern demeanor, showed him the spatula of discipline and never heard another peep out of him.

Dr D and Miss J got stuck in some heavy traffic, and didn’t make it home until pretty late. The kids were almost upset to see them—just because it meant two sad things would happen next. One, I was going home. Two, they’d have to go to bed.

I made it home just in time to catch my ride with Papa and Josiah in to the Tech library, where Papa was teaching 25 to Life again. There I met up with Jacinda, and after a quick “hello” to Emand Lin N, who were hard at work on the second floor, we made our escape to the beautiful evening for a walk.

I always love talking to Jacindarella. There’s no small talk, no beating around the bush, just straight up, honest, heart-to-heart about the Lord’s work in our hearts and lives. She shared how she really feels like the Lord has her at school right now to reach out to all the floundering girls and point them back to Christ. Her passion for girls is so strong, she gets frustrated when they just don’t see how good it can be, simply trusting the Lord.

I shared with Jacindarella something that's been weighing on me--a task I believe the Lord is calling me to, that I'm not too excited about. I whine, "It's too hard!" It’s hard because I don’t want to do it. It's hard because I had my own ideas of how to serve Him, and this doesn't quite fit what I had in mind. But I'm sure He wants me to do it. He's laid it on my heart, it's been confirmed by several others, and it fits His will as revealed in His word. It only remains for me to obey.

Lord, Thou asked, and I say “yes”

I’ll give this task my very best,

But Lord, I know that growth will come

Only through Thy gracious Son.

And so I ask that He preside

And I be only by His side

That He may write redemption’s story

And Thou receive the utmost glory.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

We got the garage in good enough order that we could pull the pickup and suburban in and close the doors. When I stepped back and looked the garage, with closed doors and no vehicles on the pad, an enormous sense of accomplishment swept over me. Amazing what a small task, when finished, can feel like.

The city of RussVegas received a visit from us all today. The goal was to get all our new licenses, insurance, tags, library cards and everything else related to being a good Pope County citizen taken care of, but our sad discovery was that the court house closes at four. We did visit the library, signed up for cards and even checked out a couple of books.

Bible study at Wes and Audrey’s tonight produced several surprises. For one thing, I believe I might have out eaten everyone. Jacinda couldn’t believe her eyes when I emerged with a plate heaped with seconds. I think she was over her surprise by my fourth plate.

The second item was a beautiful answer to prayer which Emily and I saw enacted before our eyes. It might seem like a small thing to someone else, but both of us knew it was the Lord saying, “I did hear you. I AM working on them. All of them. And you, too.”

Lord, I love to seek Thy face

And come before Thee through Thy grace

Because I know Thou hearest me

Outside of time’s mortality.

And each time that I come to Thee

Already Thou hast answered me

The fitting answer that Thy heart

Hast planned before creation’s start.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

After nearly a week, something as commonplace as a hot shower has become a sacred gift from above. It felt so good to finally feel the warm, wet water pouring over my head and back and shoulders, washing dirt and grime from my body.

Be assured, there was plenty of dirt and grime. We worked in the garage again yesterday, trying to put the last few organizing touches on it. We’d like to get all three cars in there eventually, and put the cycle and bikes in the barn, which is another project yet. Mom wanted her chest freezer to find a cozy resting spot in the garage corner we’d planned for the tools, so I attacked the doorless shed with a vengeance, hoping to render it somehow useful. I squelched through inches of icky grease and leaves to haul out an old TV, bags of cement (which proved handy for mopping up the grease), empty oil cans, aerosol cans, trash bags and a stash of somebody’s winter pecans. Mom’s face when she saw the transformation, and her “Wow…oh wow!” were the best reward ever. Now we’ll have a tool shed to keep the tools, wheelbarrow, and maybe even some lawnmowers. Somehow we’ll have to rig up some doors, but after making that place look good, I think anything is possible.

Emily and Lindsey came looking for some “family time” today and shared our cabbage pie and dishes duties with us. Em and I cuddled onto the couch and sang the night away while Lindsey had an appointment with Papa to ask the questions she was rather rudely prevented from asking Sunday.

After a bout of silliness, which ended only when Emily and I each captured our stupidity and stowed it safely away in our pockets, we began to talk about people that frustrate us. How do we react to difficult people when we really just want to walk away and never see them again? We talked about how the Lord never asks us to like them—but to love them as Him. And it’s not for their sake, or because they deserve it, but because the Lord asks it and He is worthy of our obedience. It’s all for His glory. Only for His sake and to please Him could I continue. We wound up by some great prayer time—asking that the Lord would work in these friend’s lives to conform them to His image, and that He would enable us to be good examples of those who bear the fruit of the Spirit. It’s so hard. We need to be tough on them, so that they can be pruned and grow, but we’ve got to do it in a way that’s loving and patient. I wish I could see how the Lord relates to them in every day circumstances.

This morning, during our family Bible time, we studies Mark five, and Papa brought out some fascinating points in the story of the demoniac. There are three entreaties in that story, and Jesus’ reactions to each are very enlightening. The first is the demons, begging not to be sent away, but to be allowed to enter the pigs, and Jesus gives them permission. The second is the local folks, pleading with Jesus to leave their region and Jesus gives them what they want. But when the healed man asks to follow Jesus, Jesus tells him “no”. Instead, He gives this gentile what is best for him—go tell everyone about Jesus. It wasn’t what the man asked for at all, but it’s what would bring the Lord the most glory. And the man’s reaction? He cheerfully obeyed and told everyone in the region! I realized that Jesus won, through this man’s obedience to a disappointment: In a way Jesus didn’t have to leave the region after all, since He was proclaimed throughout it! And the demons who didn’t want Jesus to invade their territory were driven out wherever He was preached and accepted. What a great lesson for me, when the Lord tells me “no” and gives me a different responsibility, to cheerfully obey that He might be even more greatly glorified.

Lord, I come to plead my case.

Thou gazest gently in my face.

There’s nothing wrong with my request

Except it’s not Thy chosen best.

When Thou proposes counterplans,

Confused, I try to understand.

Instead I should embrace my task

And do whatever Thou dost ask.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Today I successfully developed a decided distaste for fluorescent lights. Our garage is lighted by ten large fixtures and six small ones, all of which are as fickle as a teenage girl. Sometimes they shone brightly, illuminating the dark interior, then on a slight whim they’d flicker and go out. A little jiggle might bring them back to brightness, or a new bulb might leave them still a useless fixture. Putting in those bulbs proved trickier than one might guess as well. Sometimes it was all I could manage to finally get one in and twisted right, and a couple of times the bulb short circuited itself and arched, blowing a breaker.

It made me think of my spiritual life, and how unstable my light is—how unsteady and undependable I am, and how frustrating and useless that would be, both to the Lord and to someone groping in the dark. Just a flicker now and then? Or a weak light? I’ve got to keep moving, seeking that connection with the Lord to stay burning brightly.

I was also struck by how important it was that both lightbulbs be good. In a fluorescent light fixture, there is often room for two bulbs, but both must be good bulbs. If only one is bad, neither will shine. I was struck with the similarity to the partnerships warned of by Paul—what partnership has light with darkness? A believer can’t be yoked with an unbeliever. The good bulb can’t burn for both, but the bad bulb will bring darkness to both.

We have finally brought some order to the chaos that was our garage. The floor is finally visible and things are beginning to be grouped into piles of “like” items.

Josiah and I were loading up the old freezer that was left here when Jacinda showed up for a brief visit. As Josiah lifted up the freezer, it tipped backward, trapping my finger between the heavyweight of the freezer and the surprising solidity of the concrete. This less than pleasant experience brought from me a series of helpless yelps which Josiah incorrectly interpreted as silliness for Jacinda’s benefit. By the fourth yelp, he realized my funny sounds were really inspired by pain, and released the freezer, to the intense relief of my finger. I’ve not yet decided if the end of it still exists.

It rained all day, and now it is very late. Through my huge glass doors I can see the yard lamp catching mist droplets in the air and on the leaves and setting them aflame. The result is a very eerie, surreal effect. It’s so beautiful, I want to wrap myself in a robe and run out across the yard. Everything is so beautiful here. The symmetry of the pine trees, the gentle slopes of the hills, the colors, polished by the rain. I love the play of light across God’s creation, revealing secret textures, colors and points of beauty.

His Spirit beautifies His children in the same way—lighting up the potential He has given us for true beauty in conformity to the image of His Son.

Lord, Thy light illuminates me

Lending me Thy perfect beauty

Causing every hidden fiber

Just to radiate Thy power.

Keep my soul transparent only

Seeking for Thy greater glory

That the world may see and ponder,

Bow before Thy throne in wonder.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Papa called me into his office this morning to show me a splendid surprise: a picture of Jonathan Heston and Chloe Maddux—engaged! I did a little dance and haven’t stopped grinning all day. Two years ago, Chloe and Hannah told me they expected to see me married with kids in two years, and figured they’d be single forever, since I knew so many guys and they knew none. Now they’ve both got me beat. And Chloe was having such a hard time with leaving for Mozambique, especially after Hannah got married. I know Jonathan will treasure her, too, as she deserves.

The cavalcade of foreign feelings that attacked me was not exactly what I had expected. I’ve never had to fight these emotions before. I’ve been so harsh to girl friends who were roller-coasting on feminine emotions, who were jealous of happy couples, or who fell in love before the right time and now I’m here. Twenty years old and I’m finally here, finally one hundred percent woman, with shifty, unstable emotions. And I want to take myself out in the woods and whip myself, because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to return to logical oblivion, where I always felt like I said I did, and my heart never exploded due to weird chemical combinations—like love and irritation, fascination and disgust, ecstasy and depression, joy and loneliness. My logic and emotion have become a miserable concoction to drink.

When I sat down to write, I wasn’t going to spill my guts like that. I was going to tell about Jonathan and Chloe and how happy I am for them, which is completely honest. Just not the whole part of what’s going on in my heart. And I was going to tell about the rest of what had me pumped today.

We had another good meeting with the S Family and Nick. Afterward Lin N came over (by my invitation) with Josh Potts. Every day I love that girl more. She mentioned that she’d like to come visit our church meeting next Sunday. We’ve set up some guidelines for who is welcome in our fellowship, and decided that they’d be screened by Papa and Don. She was very nervous when we headed in to talk to them, partly because her testimony isn’t a pretty one (really it’s beautiful by God’s grace), and partly because the idea of being “cross-examined” is intimidating. She passed with flying colors. She brought Papa and I to tears with her, as she shared how God had become her father, since her own had deserted her. And she soaked up the Bible discussion and teaching from Don and Papa afterward.

The enormity of spiritual orphans has to be America’s greatest tragedy ever.

Toward the end of our discussion with her, Josh and Josiah and Nick came in and joined us and Don shared his testimony again with all of us. Lindsey was very encouraged, and Josh was convicted. He began quizzing Don about the “tests” for salvation and Don shared those with him and began challenging him. We had some excellent discussion and challenges about the fruit of the Spirit versus the fruits of the flesh, and how to feed the Spirit instead of the flesh.

My heart burned within me as I sat there, listening, sharing and being convicted. I know I have invested so much time and energy over the past few days, weeks, months and years in feeding my flesh. I’m constantly undermining my conscience and the Holy Spirit. I’m such a hypocrite—such a pretender! I can talk the talk, walk the walk, sit the sit and smile the smile, but my desires are so base, my prayers so selfish, my thoughts so unholy!

I spend so little time seeking the Lord. I spend so little time in His word. I am so deceptive, I’ve even deceived myself into believing that I am a holy person, when I am wholly devoted to pleasing myself. When I am wholly bent on gratifying and glorifying myself. When I am wholly aware of everyone else’s faults and quick to criticize and point the finger.

Tonight, as on many occasions before, I desire to bow before the Lord in repentance and shame, to surrender my goals, my passions, my hopes, my pleasures, my daydreams, my body, soul and spirit before Him to use as He sees fit.

Lord, pretending falls away

There’s little else that I can say

Because Thou sees behind the face

To know what idols have replaced.

And I can only bow before Thee

Shamed and empty, stained, unholy

Begging Thee to break, then fill me

Since I’m helpless else to please Thee.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

My hair is finally clean and back with a bounce. It feels wonderful. Getting it this way wasn’t the most pleasant experience. I’ve no doubt that Satan is out in full force with his minions to drive us back and defeat us. “Little” things, like the hot water heater that we still can’t get fixed and will probably have to replace and Mom’s clothing rod falling down and needing to be rehung. We were going to host the church (us, the S Family and Nick, mostly) here tomorrow, but had to call for a switch with the S Family. Tonight the hot water heater overflowed making a soggy mess in the laundry room. The Lord was gracious, though, and Lydia heard it immediately so the mess was much smaller than it might have been.

I was on the phone with my new sister-in-law, Lauren, for the first time since our move and had to cut her off to go help. Sentinel is working Nathaniel all over the clock and she’s pretty much alone this weekend. I think he’s already beginning to wish he hadn’t taken that job. But the Lord must have a purpose for having him and Lauren there, and I’ll trust Him to reveal it in His time.

The water situation has helped to realign my priorities, and make me more grateful—even for little things like the fresh bread and butter melting in my mouth, or the hot tea, soothing my slightly sore throat. For a well-insulated house. For plenty of jackets and coats. For a cheerful family who laughs through hard times. For better things to look forward to.

Until something happens I often don’t realize how much I take for granted. Even something as simple as hot water. The Lord just kept bringing back to my mind how Corrie Ten Boom would go for days with no shower, and when she would finally be allowed a few brief minutes in a cold shower, she was so grateful to feel some resemblance to clean. I have water—plenty of it. It’s cold, but it’s wet and it will keep me clean and keep my thirst quenched. I have a roof over my head. I have clothes on my body. I have plenty of food. I have many people who love me. And most importantly, I have Jesus.

What more could I really need?

Lord, Thy bounty was complete

When Thou bent low to wash my feet.

With shelter, food—all heaven sent—

I bow in thanks. Lord, I’m content.

Every good thing I receive

Reminds me Whom I have believed,

And know that Thou art able still

To save me by Thy perfect will.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Our water problems are not over. Last night we discovered that the thermo couple on the hot water heater had decided to throw in the towel. I did my best to become clean and pleasant smelling while staying as dry as possible. The result was a basket full of goosebumps and purple toenails. So far I’ve only been able to locate a “universal” couple that “might” work. Dear Jesus, hot water in October is a very lovely blessing. Please pour out your blessings on us tonight.

He has already been blessing us hugely. Today we got about five college guys together to help us pick up a table set and buffet from Dr D and Miss J. A very elegant, undoubtedly expensive table set and buffet. Enormous, mahogany, pedestal legs, cut glass windows—exquisite. And it doesn’t belong in our house. I continually find myself in awe of their generosity.

The best part of the escapade was the impromptu tour of RussVegas with a cavalcade of several cars all following my dad—who went to the wrong end of town to find the storage unit. Josiah and I enjoyed playing off the poor, bedraggled Tempo against Kevin’s shiny, new Maxima. Our mufflerless car is almost as loud as his fancy muffler.

Our leaf pile has grown to a mountain of superb dimensions, through our vigorous raking and hauling of the deciduous blanket that’s been keeping our yard insulated. Somewhere, deep down inside there are small, savory pockets where Lydia has buried the compost. My subconscious thinking tells me we should burn those leaves, and my logical mind agrees. I work in fear that a capricious North wind will come waltzing along to make all our effort in vain.

My mind has gone for a roller-coaster ride in the past few months. I’ve always prided myself on my superb control of my emotions, but lately they have been spiraling completely out of the range of sane. The move has brought many things to a head within me, and I’m left with an overriding sense of confusion. I think I know what I want, but I don’t know why. Which brings me to question if that’s really what I want. And I know that all that really matters is what the Lord wants. And I think I want what He wants.

“The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want…”

Lord, Thou led me to this place

I fix my eyes upon Thy face,

And fix my thoughts on home above.

My soul grows fat upon Thy love.

I only wish to know Thy will—

To sit before Thee, hushed and still.

Thy spring that runs eternally

Becomes a tongue of fire in me.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Today I cried.

My room is in a semblance of order, my journals are unpacked and the yard is beginning to take on a less run-down look. These changes subtly hint at hours of hard labor. It seems we never stop. We can’t stop. Every time I sit down feeling satisfied with one finished job, I glance around me to discover several more demanding my attention. And every night this week we’ve been up late “socializing” with the many friends we have down here.

Yesterday the well ran dry. I had just finished showering and everyone else was trooping in to get cleaned up for the Bible study at Wes and Audrey’s. We’d finally gotten the conversion kit and switched the dryer over to propane so we’d been doing laundry. And then the washing machine quit filling half-way. It recovered after about half an hour, but we’ve been trying to be more conservative since: space out dishwashing, laundry and showers more evenly throughout the day.

When we got home late last night, the hot water heater had gone out and so Papa was up until midnight trying to fix it. From my room next to the laundry room I listened in a sleepy daze as he worked, wondering what in the world was going on.

I woke up this morning feeling like I’d been run over by a mountain goat, fixed breakfast and tried to take a much-needed-but-often-missed-of-late fast. Then I headed out to rake up and haul the hefty blanket of leaves and pine needles spread across our yard. I was so tired I could hardly think straight.

So Josiah’s teasing about my driving as I backed the pick-up to haul was not appreciated.

And one stately pine tree went unnoticed—until it gave my bumper a resounding kiss.

I was out the door in a moment, frustrated and worried. Josiah reached me at the same moment I burst into tears and took me in his arms, telling me it would be okay, reminding me how often he had backed into trees—or garage doors.

My first driving mishap. The tears felt refreshing.

Our very helpful neighbor came over today while we were working and stayed for lunch. As a retired airman, he’s full of stories and pleasant.

The yard is full of mountains—molehills, rather, and we had our first successful mole-hunting expedition. Papa’s sharp eyes spotted a mound of moving dirt near the back patio, which a swift stomp put a stop to. Josiah grabbed a handy rake and dug out a corpulent, silky mole, stunned in the midst of his tunneling expedition.

That mole’s single-mindedness inspired me. Even though those around him get irritated with his tunneling philosophy or his mound-making perseverance, that mole just keeps steadily doing what he was intended to do: dig tunnels. We gawk at him for being ugly, blind or having big hands, but those are all tools that God have him to better accomplish his task.

My task is to glorify God. What tools has God given me to accomplish His purpose—in spite of opposition?

Lord, I pray to know Thy will.

Thou hast bid me linger still

In the pages of Thy word:

There Thou made Thy purpose heard.

Centuries, spelled out in days--

Filled with never ceasing praise.

Eternal glory Thou dost seek

Repeated since creation’s week.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

I am 20 years old, bred and born in the sunflower state, under the big, blue sky.

Exactly five days ago, my entire life was loaded into a U-haul van, shuttled down the interstate and stowed away inside this sprawling, brick house in the heart of a pine forest in Arkansas.

There are some changes in life that are just too big to ever fully absorb. At the end of last year I wrote that “nothing of major importance has occurred: no weddings, funerals, births, moves or national disasters.” So far this year, three of those events have materialized. All of them this summer.

And I’ve worked so hard—cleaning up after the flood, helping my brother and best friend plan their wedding, packing for the move—that none of them have really seeped into my mind and heart to cause a chemical reaction. There have been no tears. Just a few surface emotions: excitement, stress, determination. Now those layers are beginning to seep through, to mix with something deeper down inside—with the ground water of my being.

My heart has ripped into two jagged halves. Half I want to transplant here in Arkansas to grow straight and tall like a pine tree, pointing to the Lord. The other half I buried in Kansas before I left, in a field of sunflowers, with my face to the Risen Son, seeking to know His beauty. Inside, I am empty.

This new home is beautiful. The sun drips down in golden droplets between the pine needles and Magnolia leaves. Lizards scamper over my window sill, tempting me to run outside with them. And the house is ample, sufficient and more than fully supplies all my needs or wants. I’m sure the less than pleasant smell will wear off. Well water is a quaint addition to my life. Precious friends are everywhere, lending helping hands, bringing thoughtful gifts, laughing, welcoming, full of excitement and joy.

The sky is so small. I need directions for everywhere I go. Everywhere I look there is so much to do. I can’t find the tools I need to finish the tasks I see!

And somewhere, deep down inside, I am secretly anxious. I’ve been steady. I’ve been ready. I’ve been dependable, unmovable, unemotional. But I’m terrified. Of what? Of more change.

I’m afraid of blindly following the Shepherd’s lead. I’m afraid, before I can even catch my breath and settle in, before I’ve become comfortable with this path and settled into a pace, He’ll have turned me off onto another uphill path.

I thought I was submitted. I thought I was willing. I thought I was eager.

I am only tired, confused and frightened.

And ready to give up.

Lord, when I feel lost and lonely

Be Thou, then, my one and only.

When my thoughts have strayed to me

Turn my mind, Lord, back to Thee.

Lord, when looming change increase

Illumine them with words of peace.

When I want to turn and flee

Remind me Lord, I hope in Thee.