Monday, January 10, 2011

“Have you ever in your life commanded the morning, and caused the dawn to know its place; That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, and the wicked be shaken out of it?” ~Job 38:12-13

I feel very small.

've been reading Job the last several days--just enjoying and marveling at God's power, recounted so eloquently, and none so eloquent as Himself. We marvel at the expanse of space. I think of the astronauts who said, "We went to space and God wasn't there. I guess He doesn't exist." Do they really think they could rocket out only as far as earth's own moon and expect to see God on a level with His own creation? He humbles Himself--He has to bend down--just to look at the things going on in heaven and earth. Ah! But He still is attentive to the cry of the humble. The rebuke Elihu gives Job was very fitting for me--"Do you think you are more just than God?" As I feel frustrated and cry out to God to know why He is doing some of what He is doing--a reminder that why isn't the point. The point is that He is right. So much wisdom! So much creativity. So much unanswerable sovereignty. Why'd He make the ostrich so dumb? It doesn't matter. That fact is that He did. And I LOVE all the scientific evidence in Job--that the earth was round...that the equater existed...that the heavens are stretching farther and farther apart...the science of ice...that lightening strikes one spot...the tides...I needed to just be reminded that God is completely out of my mental range of understanding and that He can't be far from me because I can't escape Him. I'll confess that, in the secret places of my heart, I've felt very lost and unfocused for the last several months. Like I've been caught in a time warp--not really connected to the present in this world, yet so distant from a God who does such things as I can't grasp. They hurt. They don't make sense. They seem pointless. They seem wasteful. I know that He is big and it is His prerogative to do what He wishes. And I know His purpose is His eternal glory. And it seems that small humans can wrestle and struggle and cry and plead to learn something from them, but really? Was it really necessary? Sure He can use them...but did He have to send them? That's when Elihu's rebuke spoke to me. Do I think I am more just than God? Because that is what my heart-cry implies. So much of what God holds up to Job as evidence of His power also seems pointless. Sending storms on deserts where no one even lives? Making the ostrich foolish--but impressive? Wait. Pointless? God used it to declare His power--and man's frailty. And I've felt distant because I don't even know what to pray, what to plead, what to ask that would be in keeping with His purposes. He isn't acting on my perception of ideal. I can worship Him as God. But I've felt distant from Him as my Lover. There is no difficulty honoring Him as Supreme, as He deserves. But He has seemed more terrible than beautiful, more righteous than merciful and more powerful than loving. Sometimes it is good to step back and recognize the Almighty as first and foremost that--Almighty. I am small. I am fragile. I am dying. And so I feel far from Him. Because He does not answer to me, or need my counsel, I feel at a loss for words, for thoughts, for emotions to know Him. But it is His power and His righteousness and the glory of His name that keeps me always under His care. Because He is huge He pursues me, not to destroy me in my weakness, but to strengthen and establish me.

Such is the stream of conscious tonight...

Suitable for me to feel small and fragile and helpless on a night such as this.

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