Tuesday, April 8, 2008

I whisked soggy leaves up and into the wheelbarrow, watching the heavy storm clouds rolling in. The job was far from done when warm raindrops began splashing into my hair and down my face, and peals of thunder rumbled closer, like wild horses fleeing lightening bolt lassos. Nasty and Taska, the neighbor’s long-haired German Shepherds, appeared as we hung up tools and took shelter under the garage roof. Looking like wolves, but behaving like lambs, the two dogs pressed close, afraid of the thunder and lightening. With Travis and Mary gone, they’d escaped their pen, seeking comfort, and wound up spending the day curled up on our sagging front porch. When Papa and I headed out for a walk this evening, they decided they had better tag along for our protection, but their tails were drooping with weariness by the time we arrived home.

Flipping through loose papers in my clipboard, past silly poetry, finish the quote and “If I…I would” games, I discovered lyrics I’d scribbled at least a year ago. Embarrassed to show it to anyone for fear of having to explain why I’d written something I couldn’t possibly relate to, I’d buried it away among my “Works in Progress.” As I reread them, I became acutely aware of the meter and timing—perfect for the new piano piece that had been haunting me since Thursday night. I just wish I could sing.

I pulled up in front of the Dover Supermarket next to a pickup full of rowdy boys. Immediately I wished I’d parked somewhere else. Their radars picked up “girl” as I kept my face averted, hoping they’d go ahead and pull out. A couple of minutes passed with no such luck, so I finally opened my door and stepped out, pointedly looking away. “Hey there, cutie,” one of the boys called through the open window. Ignoring him I turned my back, shouldered my purse and marched past and into the store. As the door swung closed behind me, I overheard the hooting and teasing, "She showed you!" I’m so sick of this foolishness. I never asked to be a part of this enduring rat-race, this constant head-splitting clamor for attention. Stuffing fresh spinach, lettuce and tomatoes into grocery bags, I fought back tears—tears because I just want to belong to Jesus, I want to be devoted to Him, to be in love with Him, but I’m battling rude boys on the outside and a divided heart on the inside. Lydia and Josiah greeted me with hyper silliness when I arrived home. I freed myself as politely as I could and vanished into my room where I stayed most of the evening, sorting through something that’s been troubling me...it feels like forever. Confused because I'm not finding the resolution I hoped for, frustrated because I can't just let it go and let God. I’ve come to a place I never planned to see.

Lord, my heart weighs much tonight.
I feel I’ve given up the fight
And sat down in the rain to cry,
Subjected to the devil’s lies.

But Lord, Thou art the truth that frees us
By Thy name, the name of Jesus,
Thou wilt lift my heart and face,
And bring the vict’ry through Thy grace.