Wednesday, January 9, 2008

It never fails. On the heels of an emotionally charged day, I crash and burn under the load of boredom the next. Boredom. Restlessness. Frustration. A deadly combination which mixes, bubbles and threatens to overflow.

What in the world am I doing? Where is all my time going? Some days I feel like I spend half my life cooking, cleaning and washing dishes and it’s probably not too far off. When I go for an hour run, what have I really accomplished? When I spend an hour writing to the Willises, what of that time will count for eternity? I beginning to feel like a thin coating of peanut butter—spread out so much that I can’t even gather myself together to be of any nutritional benefit. A bit of this, a dab of that, a pinch of the other and voila! We have casserole de la Abigail. Serve it up hot with potatoes. From one thing to the next until I’m strung out like a pan of spaghetti and can’t even focus on one task to finish it.

Christy, the speaking coordinator for Choices, and I had a lovely little conversation today and she kindly laid out the abstinence presentation they give in schools. Dubious is still my word of choice. The longer I listened the deeper I sank in doubt. The phrases, statistics and charts prove to me again and again that even those public schooled sixth graders know more about sex in its various forms than I do. I’m okay with that. There are some bits of knowledge that aren’t very important to my current stage of life. However, I suppose it could be argued that I know more about abstinence than many of them. So the decision hangs heavy on my mind and heart, nagging me like a naughty child. Bluntly, honestly and in the purity of my conscience I will say without pretending (albeit redundantly): I do not want to do this thing. I have no desire in the world to join this project. This presentation is last on my list of things I’d like to do in 2008. In fact, I’M AFRAID.

How do I know if my time is being wasted? How do I know what I should be doing right now? How do I know what the Lord wants of me?

Lord, see my heart? I cry,
It’s sitting at Thy feet, while I
Am left to cook and clean and scour!
It is wasting hour on hour!

Lord, tell my heart to help me,
But I heart Thy voice speak to me:
“I wish that thou would join thy heart
It has picked the better part.”

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